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INTERVIEW: 'NEW IMAGE ART AND MEETING GOD' BY SALLY BAXTER

Gallery owner, Marsea Goldberg, featured in ISSUE 04.

Gallery owner, Marsea Goldberg, featured in ISSUE 04.

Marsea Goldberg, renowned director of LA's visionary gallery New Image Art, was recently in San Francisco where she says she met God.

"First off, ever since I sat on Santa's lap at the Macy's department store in NYC at the age of five, I have had a Santa Clause-Moses-God thing. So I met this guy in San Francisco who looked like Santa Claus and he just starts praising me about the gallery and all I have done for California art and I reply, 'Yeah I should be a millionaire!' and he replies, 'No, Marsea, you have more than money, you have…' and while he punches his heart lightly, he says, '…you have this!' That was just the start but this Santa dude kept making me laugh. Everything he said was so insightful, so I started calling him GOD and asked if I could videotape him. Then he disappeared, just like GOD always does. So yeah, I met GOD and he loves the gallery and me!"

When you talk to Marsea Goldberg about art, you quickly realize what "God" was talking about.

"I really care about my artists and their art, but I don't care about the bullshit of the art world. I don't really play the game, and I'm succeeding on my own terms."

We chat in her busy office about the New Image Art space, surrounded by paintings, prints, photographs, bits of drawings, flyers and random postcards. Most of the art that surrounds us she has bought or been given and there's barely any space left on the walls. She says her home has the same visuals on every surface, art everywhere, admitting that sometimes she spends nights in moving art around just for fun or just sits on the couch looking at the art-covered walls. A fast talker and self-professed dreamer, gambler and hustler, who throws the kind of parties that should be in movies, the artist turned gallerist is someone that upon meeting, you immediately want to ply with drink in the hopes that she'll let slip some dirt.

Goldberg has arguably done more for emerging artists, especially those from the worlds of graffiti and the skate punk culture underbelly than any other gallerist in the U.S.

"The gallery is an expression of my own creativity. Even though I can't take responsibility for making the art, I support artists and I've had experience in a lot of different angles. I'm able to support them in their endeavors and help them with their art projects, advise them, direct them a little bit. So it's creative, and I'm around all of this all day, and it's totally beautiful. Of course I love art. I don't care if I made it or you made it or this guy down the street made it, if it's good or even not so good. As long as it has potential."

New Image Art has launched and mobilized the careers of some of art's newest crossover superstars including Shepard Fairey, Ed Templeton, Retna, Neck Face, Cleon Peterson, Faile, Tauba Auerback, The Date Farmers and Bäst. When she says in our interview,

"I have a really great eye. Maybe I'm cocky to say that, but I have a track record…"

It's impossible to disagree.

"I gamble with art. I like taking risks and I love giving out breaks. It feels good. I like the ups-and-downs. I'm an artist, so this is coming from an artist that's not so bad in business, enough to stay in business for 20 years."

When Marsea first showed work by Shepard Fairey, the skateboard kid turned graffiti artist was already making his name big on the streets with his infamous 'OBEY' poster campaign.

"The funny thing is that when [Fairey] had his first show here, I was selling his print for $35-a-piece in the garbage room. Now those pieces sell for thousands. I might have made $1500 at the opening and I was ready to faint."

Goldberg has always hung the art she wants to at New Image Art regardless of whether or not it sells, which she admits she tries really hard to do.

"I really want the ones that I believe in to make it."

You believe her completely when she says this and she makes money in other ways so she can keep the gallery going, whether it's designing textiles or acting in TV commercials, the current one being for AT&T.

"I was involved with the company RVCA for quite a while and I worked in the surf industry for many years before this. RVCA was my sponsor and I designed for them a bit, found them artists and curated art shows for them."

A lot has changed in the art world since New Image Art opened in 1994, just a few doors down from its current location on Fairfax Ave and Santa Monica Blvd.

"When I started, [the L.A. art scene] was innocent. It was pure. It was raw. New Image Art was a garage band. Nobody was really famous yet and it was alive. There was a buzz about it. It was exciting."

Marsea says of one of her very first openings,

"I was drunk in the corner. I didn't want to do it at all, and then Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman showed up, and I was like, 'WHAT?' I chased Robert De Niro, but I couldn't find him. I was so excited. This was 20 years ago. 'Yeah! My favorite movie star! Finally, he finds me!'"

She laughs, "But he ran away. I didn't get to jump him."

For years collectors have been buying street art for thousands, art on the outside of buildings is being protected by laws and plastic sheets and artists who were once gangsters are joining the elite of the art world.

"These guys were really the bottom. They were outlaws, they were graffiti kids, and they were breaking the law. It was just doing it to do it. Creativity was coming from being a gangster, or just being screwed up and wanting to do damage. 

Retna came from the street. He was copying gang script; he was in a gang, he studied it and studied it and sat at his kitchen table and reinvade it, made it his own, made it English and Spanish, made it poetry. I think it has the potential to change art history, which is grand."

Retna, street artist turned superstar, is one of Marsea's biggest success stories as a gallerist and the pair have become close friends.

"Retna was here having a show with me and I said to him, 'You know, Marquis, you have everything, you have everything an artist could possibly have. But you know what you don't have? You don't have the museums yet. I'm gonna get you museums. That's what I'm going to do for you." 

Marsea introduced Retna to long-time friend and newly appointed MOCA director, Jeffrey Deitch, who then put the artist in the ground-breaking show 'Art in the Streets,' the first major museum show in the U.S. to look at the history of graffiti and street art. The rest is art history. Now with MOCA once again in upheaval I hope things can stay supportive of L.A.'s brilliant painters…

"What I always want to say to artists is, don't give up. Young artists should show anywhere. You put it up in a restaurant, in a living room, anywhere where people can see it. Just keep it moving and don't give up unless it is so painful you want to die. Then maybe you need to take a little break for a while."

Talking to Marsea knowing how successful she is at finding and recognizing new talent in art, it’s impossible not to ask her what she thinks the next big thing will be. So I did and she told me,

"You'll just have to pry me with a good bottle of wine and hope I let it slip and tell you."

INTERVIEW BY SALLY BAXTER AND PORTRAIT BY © ED TEMPLETON COURTESY OF MARSEA GOLDBERG.THIS ARTICLE  APPEARS AS FEATURED IN ISSUE 04BUY ONLINE

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DEAD TECH ART: A CONVERSATION WITH CHRIS BURNS FOR ISSUE 03

"There’s a repeating image of a software malfunction on a Mac called a ‘Kernel panic’. Your screen on goes grey and there’s like an image of a power button in the background and a bunch of different warnings come up in different languages that say, 'You need to shut down now.'"

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ALEXANDER SPIT FILM OUTTAKES FOR THE COVER OF ISSUE 02

Alexander Spit, Los Angeles (June 1, 2012). Photo: Diane Abapo.

Alexander Spit, Los Angeles (June 1, 2012). Photo: Diane Abapo.

Alexander Spit, Los Angeles (June 1, 2012). Photo: Diane Abapo.

Alexander Spit, Los Angeles (June 1, 2012). Photo: Diane Abapo.

Alexander Spit, Los Angeles (June 1, 2012). Photo: Diane Abapo.

Alexander Spit, Los Angeles (June 1, 2012). Photo: Diane Abapo.

Film outtakes from the ISSUE 02 cover shoot with rapper-producer Alexander Spit by Diane Abapo. All photos taken on June 1st 2012.

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"NIPS!" POLAROID SERIES

Our latest trip to New York was met with fearless power-walks all over Manhattan and most notably, Williamsburg in Brooklyn where we caught up with our latest SUSPEND contributor, Jenny Wang. Her latest series of polaroids features friends who willingly placed nipple stickers [made by Chellise Michael] on themselves. These areola-friendly stickers have apparently been spotted all over the Big Apple from subways to dilapidated buildings and outside facades.

ALL POLAROIDS BY Jenny Wang

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BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER

BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER
BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER
BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER
BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER
BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER
BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER
BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER
BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER
BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER
BLUE DREAM: A SERIES OF PHOTOGRAPHS BY NATHANAEL TURNER

All photographs posted with permission by Nathanael Turner


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'CLOUD COVER' BY JORDAN ABAPO

"CLOUD COVER" BY JORDAN ABAPO | PH. BY TIFFANY CHUANG
"CLOUD COVER" BY JORDAN ABAPO | PH. BY TIFFANY CHUANG

ive left earth im away with my thoughts so as stars collide and the bass drops youll find me where no one hides where only i can go because i am painting my own world im building on what i know releasing my escape artist and watching it go

the red sands of mars are melding around my toes and a rising sun shines past the hues of green and red yellow and orange, purple and black i slow motion move with the upward tug of gravity's grip i gaze upon the glowing grooves of this tiny planet. melodies move past my monotonous thought and push me towards whatever it is that surrounds me i question and question

it answers with more doors

opening more and more galaxies universes for me to explore i want to know and experience not guess and guess but witness blind brilliance beating life out of my chest to resonate an echo that travels through space gaining with everything it touches, bouncing like marbles causing more and more vessels to circulate For-double-ever.

Until my kingdom comes ill just lay here and dream about it ill just let it grow as much as i reckon so that finally, when that day comes time will warp and let me wait out eternities in a matter of seconds. when everything ends ill be there ready for every thing to begin again with everyone by my side. maybe if i stumble upon when and where and how. i want to know all meaning just looking for answers, just daydreaming.

Written by Jordan Abapo Photograph by Tiffany Chuang

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LITTLE TOKYO: ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY'

ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo
ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' | Words and Ph. by Diane Abapo

ANATOMY OF A 'SECRET SOCIETY' WORDS & PHOTOS BY DIANE ABAPO

There are some nights that are simply better expressed through photos. I shoot like I blink. Quick moments that I spot and the pressing of a button to help me remember later on. This past Thursday night was the first pop-up art event held by Illuminated LA at NOLA's A Taste of New Orleans in the Little Tokyo arts district as part of this year's first Downtown LA Artwalk. Organized by its two founders, artist Seth 'MeexOne' Wilder and food writer Adam Rubenstein, the restaurant served as the backdrop for a series of live art and musical acts including sketch/paint artist Nora Ann-Francis Martin-Hall, rapper Kyle 'Verbs' Guy, and Hawaii-bred group Analog Dive.

One goblet of Chimay and a glass $3 beer later (provided by District BBQ next door, also owned by restaurateur Jason Ha) found me surrounded by a flurry of friends and artist folk. DeVon, Arthur and Umi of our TDG x SR HOMME collaboration stopped by just in time to see VerBS freestyle on stage before Osa Virtuoso's live set. I introduced MeexOne to the guys before he returned to his large canvas to continue his signature black-and-white patterned piece. Next to MeexOne was artist George "iFryOka" Dominguez, hunched on the ground as he proceeded to master a drip-down painting with a crowd of onlookers surrounding him. Ironically enough, we met Dominguez's cousin Johnny Reyes of "Sh*t Latina Girls Say" YouTube fame by chance outside of NOLA's after using a reference from the original version to say bye to a friend.

On the way to indulge in some dessert at Pie Hole as an intermission to the night, we ran into MeexOne who moseyed his way along to a nearby liquor store around the corner to pick up an energy drink for a friend. Two slices of savory handmade pie later, we waltzed back to 'A Secret Society' through District BBQ to meet up with our resident videographer, Eddie Saucedo at one of the tables. While accompanying a friend to buy a pitcher, I stood next to rapper Yelawolf unknowingly as we both stood mesmerized by the footage of a man paragliding as it played on the projector screen behind the counter. Three minutes and a bucket full of regret later, the rapper made his quiet exit from the venue holding onto his beer.

Outside in the patio area adjoining District BBQ and NOLA's was a succession of Illuminated LA artists who were selling portions of their work -  including new friend, photographer Denny Kim. Kim's scenic views from his travels of cities including Tokyo and Chicago instantly made its way to my memory bank.

Many thanks to Rubenstein and MeexOne of Illuminated LA for a memorable night spent in one of Los Angeles' hidden pockets. Sometimes all it takes for a good night is a pair of eyes and open ears. And a few rolls of film.

www.dianeabapo.comwww.illuminatedla.tumblr.comwww.vivalafoodies.comwww.nolasla.com

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'DONE' BY JORDAN ABAPO

poetry-done-jordan-abapo
poetry-done-jordan-abapo

CREDITS WORDS Jordan Abapo PHOTO Isaac Watamaniuk

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NATURE'S SOLACE: PHOTOGRAPHY BY RICHARD KIM

I've been a long-time admirer of my friend Richie's photos and have been a secret reader of his personal blog for a few years now. This spread is probably one of the most intimate ones, in my opinion, that we have here at SUSPEND so far. Intimate in a sense that you feel like you may be creeping in on Richie's camping trip, lurking behind a tree or inches away from the giant boulder by the shoreline. But for me, seeing these photos as a group for the first time is a reminder that, especially now more than ever, we need to retain our sense of adventure. Our sense of wonder is perhaps the most valuable tool we have at our fingertips. I can't even begin to fathom how many hours I log weekly in front of a technological 'screen'. It's surely hard for any of us to break from our normal routine but here I am posing a challenge to our readers to isolate and turn off all the intricate 'noise' that have slowly become an extra appendage. Power off and get out. It's a hell of a world out there. 

 

PHOTOGRAPHED BY Richard Kim

WORDS BY Nicholas Mansouri

LOCATION Del Norte, Calif.

http://richardkim.tumblr.com

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A LOVE LETTER BY JOCELYN FAN

Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”
Feat. Jocelyn Fan – The Letter “I Love You”

“I Love You” Jocelyn Fan

January 25th, 2011

To the girl who will always look like chocolate to me,

I love you. I am in love with you. If it were up to me, if I always had the courage, I would hold you every time we fought. I falter, I hesitate, I am scared because for you I want to give you everything and do everything right by you. I don’t mean material things, but I want to give you all of me. You already have it, I just don’t know how to show you.. not the way you need me to.

I don’t know how to show you, but nearly every waking moment my mind races to find a way, to find a way to be there for you, to find a way to be all that you need, to find a way for you to understand my heart, body, mind and soul are yours. I am never as okay as I try to seem. I will never be okay if I lose you, as much as I try to lie to others that I am because no one could ever understand how real our love is, how that feels. No one but you and I truly know that my heart is forever yours. I don’t want to share that vulnerability with anyone but you.

You asked how I could lie to you that I say I feel disconnected to everyone when I closed up to you when you said I make everything into a counseling session. I tried to explain that I am still connected to you more than anyone, that no one else even gets remotely close. Only for you do I feel my heart yearning. Only for you do my tears well. Only for you would I give all of me. But I am only human. When I hurt, I retract and I am scared to be hurt again; but for you I stay, I stayed months after that instance, I still want to stay now. I stayed because I am still in love with you. I stayed because you are worth loving, you are worth feeling hurt. I stayed because with time I heal. When I see your smile it brings me joy; when I feel your touch it brings me warmth; when I hear your laugh.. I told you once before that I cherished your laugh most of all, it fills my heart, body and soul all at once. It was never a lie that you are the one who is the most connected to me. It is always there, even when we fight, even when we cry.

That night before you left LA we had our first dispute. We weren’t in tune with each other, there was a distance between us and curt words. I confronted you if something was going on, if you needed space, if this was too fast, all you had to do was tell me because I would give you anything you asked of me. You managed to tell me that you’re leaving soon, you’re distancing yourself to keep leaving from being too hard, to keep it from hurting too much. You asked if we could just enjoy the time we had left. I tried, because you asked me to, but I couldn’t. I wanted to feel you close to me as we avoided each other’s eyes across the table and from all that we had felt before, I believed you wanted it too. I reached for your hands and you let me hold them. I stared at your hands resting in mine while telling myself, “I want to remember this moment forever. The softness of your skin, the warmth of your hand, the gentle embrace as yours rests within mine.” I couldn’t let you leave like this with this distance between us so I brought it up again. You told me I need to understand that when you leave you won’t have much time, you have many things to take care of, many things to fix. I agreed and told you I understood, but here in this moment you were with me, you weren’t in CT, that this was you distancing yourself from me not the obstacles of time and circumstance. I’m not sure what you saw when you looked at me, but I saw your face drop when I said you made me feel like a fool. We left and reached the parking structure at the apartment complex. I gave you the letter I had written for you to read on the plane and we sat for a brief moment, both unsure what to do. You motioned to get out of the car with your head turned away from me and I could see the tears in your eyes. I reached for your arm and asked you not to go, not to leave like this as I brought you into my arms. You stayed. You let me hold you. You held me. As we slowly let each other go, you stayed close to me while I wiped away your tears and brushed your hair from your face. I kissed you and I know you felt the same passion I did, anguish and ecstasy all at once. I made love to you, and for me that was truly the first time I made love to anyone. You held me tightly as we hugged and said our goodbyes again and I asked you to do me a favor, the first thing I ever asked of you. I asked if you could remember this moment, if you could remember what you were feeling. I wanted you to remember because whenever you feel lonely, whenever you feel like we were about to break, you would remember what it felt like to put aside the fear and to let each other in. I didn’t realize till now that what I asked you to remember was what it felt like for us to be in love, with no walls, no guards, no boundaries. I told you that if you want this, then we will find a way together. That if you want me just as I want you, we will find a way for us to be together.

I had forgotten the details over time until I wrote this out to you. Over and over I paused just now unable to stop the tears, unable to stop my heart from hurting, from longing for you. As angry as we both have been over the time we’ve been together, the thing that remains constant is my heart hurts when I feel I’ve lost you, when I feel I can’t reach you. For so long my heart has been yearning and crying, not knowing how to reach you like I did once before. I know you want that back just as much as I do. I hear it in your voice, I hear it in your cries, and I know if I was there with you I would see it in your eyes. We both knew starting this relationship it would be hard, that so many things would be working against us. The first time I faltered, you came for me and you were my strength. You told me all of this would be worth it and I believed you so I stayed. You and I both knew to feel what we had in those two, short weeks it was something special, something extraordinary, something real. We skyped for the first time that night since you had left. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much and so hard just at the sight of you, and at the same time my heart pained knowing that I couldn’t hold you. That pain, it’s worth it, you’re worth it.

The first letter I wrote to you, I said I couldn’t promise you a future because no one could predict the future. I never told you why or how I realized I could promise you that, I wanted to promise you that. I made the promises of a future together because I made a decision for myself that for as long as you would love me, stick by me through our struggles, and grow with me there is no one else in this world that I would rather have at my side through my darkest hours and through my greatest achievements. That is why I told you so many things about my life, about what I was going through. You responded, you talked to me, you did comfort me. Just like how I stick my tongue out at you when you compliment me, it’s hard for me to receive comfort. But your words did reach me, your love did reach me, and I fell in love with you more each and every time. I wish I knew how to show you that sooner. I wish there was a way for me to know when my words and love have reached something in you. If I could easily pinpoint a way to show you my love, to have you understand and see my love for you, I would live every day to show you. Until I find a way for you to truly see, I will try all that I can think of and exhaust all possibilities till I know how to make you feel whole with my love again.

I hope you believe me when you read this and when you look back. I hope my words reach you, that my heart has reached yours.. I had to let you go in some aspects when you left LA, but we both wanted what we knew was real in each other. The circumstances are different now… I am so scared of the day that I may lose you for good, that you may pass much sooner than I would ever be ready to endure. Don’t push me away like you did before you left LA, don’t convince yourself that distance between us now will prevent the hurt later. Love me Charlie, let me give you my love. We may stumble and fall as our hearts find each other again, but we both know when our hearts meet it is worth every heartache and every tear. Give me your heart as I give you my own.

I love you Charlie, my beautiful love. I am in love with you, and yes like I said before, I will love you forever.

Your China doll, Jocey

WRITER Jocelyn Fan MODEL Jovi López PHOTOGRAPHER Diane Abapo

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